||[Sep. 17th, 2006|09:25 pm]
The Biteage Kid
|||||"Roulette" - System of a Down||]|
I am ashamed.
My aunt's son, my grandmother's grandson, my mother's nephew, my cousin Parker passed away when I was 14, and Parker would have been twenty eight years old on Friday had he survived thus far.
What did I write on the calendar square for September 15th? I didn't write anything. I drew a heart in the corner. A small, insignifigant, plain heart, something that barely catches your eye at first glance.
I didn't boldly state that we should be celebrating another year that he should've had. I just doodled a heart, something that could've stood for anything else. It feels like I'm trying to forget he ever existed at all.
It makes me sick to talk about him in the past tense. It makes me sick to think of something as beautiful as him in the ground, it makes me sick at the end of April, it makes me sick that my Mom wasn't the only one in the family to lose a child. It makes me sick that he was never married, and it makes me sick when I think about how we always thought we were too cool to say we loved one another. The fact that I didn't write his birthday down so that I wouldn't have to see it everyday this month makes me want to crawl into bed and sleep myself into a coma.
As soon as I print this, I'm going to get out of this chair, and I'm finding the boldest marker I own and declaring September the 15th as his.